My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk