My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
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Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A couple who are silly together stay together.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*