My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.