My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally