I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*