The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
This will teach them to underestimate me
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Comparing yourself to others
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I need this for my side hustle.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My nickname in high school was “who?”