My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.