My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.