My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.