My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof