My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”