My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day