My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You Might Also Like
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.