A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no