My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Not helping
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.