@Smethanie: My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking "Do you want these nuts?" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent.
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@iGreenMonk: I got a dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong too. And said 'moment' after awkward. This is awkward.
@squirrel74wkgn: "What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
@noog: To the idiots who say ghosts aren't real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
@FloodyHippie: You don't need to put "narcissist" in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.