ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
he was correct
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Okey dokey.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.