Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
You Might Also Like
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do