Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
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Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*watches the world burn*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Just parrot things
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.