[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!