People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Anyone really