THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
When I grow up, I want to be 16
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time