GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.