@Pee_And_Giggles: My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don't want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.
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@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
@UncleDuke1969: *takes coffee from hot barista *makes eye contact *smiles *winks *sips scalding coffee "Thankth, thexy! Theeya!" *walks outside *screams
@Reverend_Scott: October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid's Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don't have candy in them.
@GlennWool: when the news anchor says "if you know anything about the crime please contact police" dont call the police and re-tell the news story