Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I enjoy a good short stor
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!