I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
What the dentist sees
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh