My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
You Might Also Like
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.