My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Woke up against my better judgment again
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Harsh but fair
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I saw nothing
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol