My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Message from the dog groomers
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.