My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.