[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Its true…