My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended