My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?