My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
A French press is when you hug naked
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies