My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Haha! 😂
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.