My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Guys, I found it.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?