My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.