@mommajessiec: My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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@pleatedjeans: A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE THAT'S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
@dafloydsta: [creating squirrels] GOD: How about a nice bushy tail? ANGEL: Perfect. GOD: Now give it some cocaine, lmao. ANGEL: Wtf.
@OfficeLinebcker: "If I eat my arm, I can't technically gain any weight" - my thought process after only 5 days of dieting. I'm doomed.