My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”