My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.