@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
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@slimmy_shady: "OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don't know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding? ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT
@Gooooats: That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
@cupcakelynda: Microsoft Word just suggested that I change "you're" to "you is" so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.