@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
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@abhorrent_wife: I would totally get into a stranger's windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
@JCautomatic: *4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
@markleggett: I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.