[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award] Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@Boleyngirly: When someone asks "You know what I think?", I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

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@michaeldean0116: A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as "stable". #manicmonday

4

@MatCro: IAN: I broke my leg once ME: I've never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood] THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

1

@WilliamHale1: A wise man once said... absolutely nothing. He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

40

@thebeckyard: "Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you've been buying." *silently writes him out of my will*

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