[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
What kind of a cult is this?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing