I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Steam Forums
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?