my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Jupiter