my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m about to risk it all
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.