My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.