Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.