@OpenClassMX: My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
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@jimmytorosian: *Brings axe to slumber party* "Oops. I thought you said 'lumber party'" *Knew the whole time* *Waits until they're asleep* *Chops down tree*
@TheDailyManning: Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
@MartaEffing: I shouldn't. Ambien: YES. You should. But I'm naked. A: EXACTLY. Ok, fine. *stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!