@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.
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@newLettuce: Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he's back, and he's holding a pool noodle
@JermHimselfish: In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
@CVTBaby: Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back? Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
@sweetmissashley: Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too.