When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
You Might Also Like
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.