“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.