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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
When someone trying to leave me
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex