@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
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@Token_Geezer: The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
@Wine_Honey1: People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen
@Quartzjixler: I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
@daemonic3: [dj voice] "Make some noise, Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD