My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.